Dating Stress and How to Overcome It
Written by Helen Guo
Dating can be a blast: going on adventures together, taking cute pics for the gram, and sharing special moments big and small is the type of relationship many of us want. However, navigating the dating field is not always easy, and stress is unfortunately common for the active modern dater.
Below are some of the most frequent dating stressors encountered by online dating app users, along with some of Heartcade’s tips for how to overcome these worries.
“Play your cards right”
When you begin your dating journey, there is often pressure to “play your cards right” in order to make a good first impression or get your match to like you. While there’s no fault in being polite or wanting someone you like to like you back, what can be stressful is when you engage in conversation and behaviours that are not true to who you are in order to impress someone. This can be in the form of pretending to enjoy the same music, pretending to like the same movies, or even saying you share their opinion on certain topics despite secretly disagreeing. In many cases this might seem harmless, but over time this pattern of engagement will lead to stress because you are unable to be your authentic self when you are with this person.
So be yourself. Perhaps easier said than done, but knowing yourself and being able to express yourself honestly is key to any healthy, happy relationship. On the Heartcade app, you can list your interests on your profile, and we encourage you to be authentic in what you put down. You may think your hobbies are too niche, or maybe too “basic”, but our data shows that interests make excellent conversation starters! Common interests could provide ideas for a great date, and non-common interests are opportunities to explore something new. This applies to preferences and personal values as well. There is someone out there who shares or appreciates your unique perspective, all you have to do is go out there and find them.
Remember: disagreeing on who deserves album of the year is not a deal breaker. However, dating someone who you thought had certain interests and values but turns out does not can be a red flag.
“Too many options”
The world of online dating has made finding love easier than ever – your dating pool is no longer limited to real life interactions, but expanded to a massive pool of potential dates from across the country, or even from across the world if you’re feeling adventurous.
However, having too many options can be too much of a good thing. In our previous article “3 Reasons Why Corona is Improving Your Dating Game” we examined how on swipe-based dating apps like Tinder, profiles can receive up to 200 matches within a one-hour timeframe. While this might be exciting at first, so many matches can easily become overwhelming and stressful. This is called the paradox of choice, and is a psychological phenomenon in which having too many options causes us stress and anxiety due to a cognitive overload.
We are advocates of dating smarter, not harder, meaning knowing what your goals for dating are and actively looking to achieve them. For example, if you’re looking for something long term, don’t allocate all your time to talking to someone who’s hot but is emotionally unavailable. On the other hand, if you know you are not in a position to be in a committed relationship, then make that known and avoid matches that are looking for a serious partner. These goals should not be rules, but rather guidelines used to maximize your time and efforts.
Heartcade helps you do this by providing a limited number of matches each season. By limiting the number of options, you can focus your attention, making it easier to determine if someone is a good match for you or not.
“Being vulnerable is difficult”
Opening up is a tough, but necessary step in developing a deeper relationship with someone. When we share our feelings, hopes, and fears, we become vulnerable to judgement, which is anxiety inducing. In our dating lives, there is the added stress of possible rejection.
The fear of rejection is often a constant thought in our minds when we enter the realm of online dating, even if it is subconscious, and it is not unfounded. In the short term, a romantic rejection can ruin your mood for the night, or the week. It’s a blow to your self-esteem, and can elicit feelings of self-doubt or even anger. The idea that someone may reject you once you reveal your authentic self is a hard pill to swallow.
It’s normal to feel stressed when asking someone out or confessing your feelings, and it’s important to remember that it’s ok if their answer is not what we had hoped for. Not everyone will like us, just as we are not obligated to like everyone we meet. However, rejection is not necessarily a setback. Allow yourself to treat it as a sign for you to move forward and meet someone else who might be the one.
“First dates feel like an interview”
The similarities between the two are undeniable – you dress to impress, answer a series of questions about yourself, and leave feeling hopeful or disappointed. For the modern dater, the stress often stems from wanting to make a good first impression in real life and fearing that you won’t live up to your online “persona”. On the other hand, as an “interviewer” yourself, you may wonder if your date will live up to your expectations, and you don’t want to be disappointed.
However, your online dating habits can change this age-old trope of awkward first dates. First of all, use your conversations online to get to know your date before you meet in person. While this might seem obvious, in our article “The Problem with Dating Apps”, we discussed how over 50% of dating app users lie on their profiles due to the fact that they believe they need to portray a version of themselves that’s “perfect” in order to land a date. Open and honest communication is key in this first phase of dating, and we encourage all Heartcade users to be genuine in their interactions. This not only applies to things such as your interests and values, but also how to perceive your feelings toward your match. If you explicitly express mutual interest, then that takes away a huge stressor of uncertainty during your first date. If you choose to meet IRL, your online conversations will also provide you with discussion topics to fall back on in case of awkward silences.
Pro tip: keep your dates fun - don’t limit yourself to the old-fashioned dinner dates. Visit a museum you both love or enjoy a day at an amusement park. A picnic date can also be more personal and provides a low pressure environment for conversation to flow. For our readers in/near Toronto, a trip to Kensington Market might be a fun way to switch things up! Make sure to pick an activity you both enjoy. This will help relieve some of those first date jitters, and make your date less interview-like.
Heartcade believes that dating should be fun. This is why our Mystery Date seasons are designed to keep your matches exciting! Join the wait list today
